Lately.

Lately I have been sadder than words can express. I'm positive that the phrase "time will help" is a lie. Time does not help. The only thing time does is make everything more real, which ultimately makes it feel worse...
It is feeling real that Micah is not here...more real than before. I went college shopping today and it made me feel devastated. My mom and I cried together the whole way home.

I went to the library yesterday and I laughed at myself because I practically rented out the whole "grief" section...(I wonder what the poor librarian was thinking.) I've got one book down and 10 or so more to go...hopefully I'll find some things to be helpful.

I found this poem a couple months ago in a book. Despite its simplicity it says a lot...
"Separation" by W.S. Merwin:

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

Now that April feels decades away, I'm feeling myself thinking less about the actual accident and death, and more about Micah's absence. The details of the funeral and hospital seem to be fading in my memory; but nothing can ever possibly subdue the feeling of not having him here. It is the biggest, gaping hole. I would give absolutely anything to hear his laugh or see his smile...even a quick glimpse from 500 feet away might be sufficient. When he was alive I would miss him tremendously if he was just away for a weekend--so this feels like a piece of me has been literally ripped from my heart.

Some days, I'll just be wandering around my house and I'll get the biggest craving ever for a Micah hug. He was an expert on bear hugs--a.k.a. squeezing me so hard I couldn't breath and I'd have to practically wheeze "stop!" (Gosh, I even miss those.) His normal hugs were perfect as well--we always talked about how our height ratio was perfect, because my head fit perfectly on his shoulder.

Not like his hugs are the only thing I miss. That is only one thing on the list of 2937495084523. But then again, there are 2937495084523 reasons I love him...so naturally I expect that list to be long, if not endless. :-)