A dream, and the the brain.

Last night I had a dream that Micah was lying down with his head in my lap; and I was playing with his hair, which somehow had become very curly. His head was very fragile, with bruises and stitch-marks, and I could tell that his nose had been broken. I remember kissing him on the forehead and telling him how glad I was that he survived the accident.

Learning about the brain in my Psychology class this week has been difficult to sit through. Many people speak casually about end-of-life decisions, unconsciousness, and brain damage; but I sit there with my heart beating fast, trying to remain calm and collected, knowing I have a personal experience many others don't have. My studies have made me realize how fragile the brain is; and how each tiny part contributes significantly to the overall function. Thinking about Micah's brain damage in this context gives me a sinking feeling, knowing how damaged he was and truly how irreversible the injuries were. Yet at the same time I wonder what he would have been like, had he lived....my mind wanders there sometimes--but it is a very difficult and painful thing to think of, because I can't imagine Micah in any way but his normal, upbeat, hyper, happy, active self.

Baby.

One of those days in the hospital (I don't remember which), I was sitting in the waiting room near Micah's room when a woman came in with a baby. She ended up putting it in my arms to hold for several minutes. The baby lay face up in my lap, looking at me with big eyes and staring up at my face, fixated and intrigued. I stared back and hugged it close, smiling through my tears; wondering how a new life could still be growing up, while Micah was slowly losing his, only yards away.

This memory popped into my head today as I walked past a group of children playing. It reminded me of how Micah always told me I'd make a great mom some day.

I hope that baby has grown up well over these past 5 months. I wonder if it'll ever know that it brought me even the slightest bit of joy during a miserable and painful time.

I am doing things here at college to make Micah happy. I joined an intramural soccer team, which he would love. I am going to maybe join a gospel choir. I went swing dancing in the rain. I salsa danced with friends late into midnight. I stargazed on a blanket until the sprinklers came on and we ran away. I made cookies and delivered them to people. I am going to quilt with cute old ladies, and learn how to knit. I am writing for the newspaper. I am greeting people in Micah-like ways, wearing outfits Micah would like, eating food Micah would eat, telling jokes Micah would tell, getting involved like Micah would do, saying phrases Micah would say...sometimes I even catch myself writing in Micah-like handwriting.

Micah can't be at college, but I will be at college for him. I can feel him here cheering me on and telling me to live fully. I can feel the warmth of his hugs and hear the sound of his voice. I can imagine the sun lighting up his green eyes and him throwing back his head as he laughs.

All these things carry me on from one day to the next. My goal for this year is to live for Micah and love for Micah, because that is how he remains a part of me, strong in my heart.

College.

Well, here I am. After years and years of wondering what college will be like, here I sit in the dark of my dorm, feeling somewhat tiny and lost, realizing I could never even imagine I would be here amidst such a situation.

Where did summer go? What happened to flowers and bare feet and warmth? What happened to those long days of misery, but at least misery accompanied by friends, family, and sunshine?

How will I survive as the seasons change? It used to just get warmer and warmer as each anniversary went by, but now the leaves are changing and the air is getting crisp. Will I too freeze into a rock of a Becca-that-used-to-be? Will I ever be able to feel normal enough to laugh freely like the rest of the students here? Will I survive the ugly cold to come? How long can I stay in a place where no one knows the warmth of my beautiful, lovable Micah?

I want everyone to know him, but know him just because its Micah. Not because he died. I just want him to be my boyfriend. And like the other girls here who have boyfriends far away, I want him to call me every night and send me letters and skype me and tell me about his soccer game and newly-found friends...
I want to see his dorm room and his sloppily-made bed and his handwriting on (probably procrastinated) essays. I want to talk to him and complain about homework together and tell him I had a bad day so he can make it better.

I'm tired of being the girl who has to explain to innocent bystanders that, yes, that is my boyfriend and I love him so incredibly much, but no, its a long story because this April he...he...well, he died in a car accident...and...(tries to suppress tears as the person's mouth drops open and attempts to find words of sympathy.)

It's so so so so unfair.
5 months coming up. I don't know what I'm going to do.

My boyfriend is dead and 9 hours away. What if he needs my comfort? What if he needs me but I'm so far away? Who will sit with him and pretend to hold his hand? Even the seasons will change by his side, but I cannot be there to watch them.

I'm being brave and having fun, because Micah would have wanted that for me, but when it comes down to it I'm still so heartbroken and devastated and wish this were all a dream.