Gone?
A searing pain straight to the gut. A missing too deep for all the words in the world. An aching in the heart that paralyzes and consumes.
How can the human brain fully comprehend the meaning of gone? There one day, but then not the next?...cherished so deeply, but gone so suddenly, without a warning, without any mutual goodbyes?
It wasn't just goodbye to you--
It was goodbye to normalcy, structure. To golden adolescent years where anything is possible and nothing is stoppable.
It was goodbye to your dreams, Micah, and a hopeful future and thoughts only thought to yourself; unspoken personal desires to explore and discover this world and this life.
To miss out on life. To have lived a full life in the 18 years that were, yes, but to also have been robbed of even more full years of life to come...
Oh, many days I grieve for Micah more than anything.
My best friend, how I know you would've hated to miss out on anything close to a party. I'm so, so sorry--it hurts me so much. I'm sorry it was cut short, and so suddenly. I've shed so many tears for the years that were erased...if only I could lend you some of mine, and then we'd all be together again like a big happy family, exploring and conquering life together.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A quick home update.
This evening I'm babysitting two little girls from church. I'm basking in that lovely high after everyone has been pajama-ed, read to, and tucked in. So while I'm here in this quiet house and the girls are still asleep, I'll give a quick update.
It's been about a week since I arrived home, and I'm still feeling really content with my decision. Already I'm loving the feeling of relaxation that home welcomes. I've loved waking up without any stress; going to bed without any stress; and filling the points in between with no stress. It's also been neat to spend time with my parents as a semi-only child, which I've never experienced before.
I have no regrets at this point about leaving Goshen, though I am beginning to feel a twinge of missing the friends I've lived with for half a year. I keep reminding myself, though, that it requires a sense of boredom and almost isolation to get the stuff done that I need to get done. (Which is hard to say, coming from an extrovert that doesn't mind excitement 24/7.)
My main project right now is cleaning out my room to move back into. It's been an emotional process to even move the furniture around, but overall I feel ready to move back in. From April into the summer, I needed that room to stay the same, but I've reached a point now where I need it to be different. I need a place where I can call my own again, where I can sit and reflect and remember without being scared to move anything because that's how it's "always been."
Other things I have planned for the next month or so:
-Babysitting and doing small jobs for anyone that offers; maybe working at my aunt's thrift store.
-Volunteering: babysitting at the Clare House in Lancaster, and maybe being a dance instructor or "swim buddy" for children at the Schreiber Center. Hopefully other volunteer options will arise.
-Reading, writing, and maybe starting some sort of art project--if I can get around to it.
That's all for now.
It's been about a week since I arrived home, and I'm still feeling really content with my decision. Already I'm loving the feeling of relaxation that home welcomes. I've loved waking up without any stress; going to bed without any stress; and filling the points in between with no stress. It's also been neat to spend time with my parents as a semi-only child, which I've never experienced before.
I have no regrets at this point about leaving Goshen, though I am beginning to feel a twinge of missing the friends I've lived with for half a year. I keep reminding myself, though, that it requires a sense of boredom and almost isolation to get the stuff done that I need to get done. (Which is hard to say, coming from an extrovert that doesn't mind excitement 24/7.)
My main project right now is cleaning out my room to move back into. It's been an emotional process to even move the furniture around, but overall I feel ready to move back in. From April into the summer, I needed that room to stay the same, but I've reached a point now where I need it to be different. I need a place where I can call my own again, where I can sit and reflect and remember without being scared to move anything because that's how it's "always been."
Other things I have planned for the next month or so:
-Babysitting and doing small jobs for anyone that offers; maybe working at my aunt's thrift store.
-Volunteering: babysitting at the Clare House in Lancaster, and maybe being a dance instructor or "swim buddy" for children at the Schreiber Center. Hopefully other volunteer options will arise.
-Reading, writing, and maybe starting some sort of art project--if I can get around to it.
That's all for now.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Change.
Right now I'm sitting on my couch in Lancaster, my dog snoozing next to me, my Christmas tree still set up in the corner, my familiar kitchen clock ticking in the background. And I'm home.
WAIT...what?
I'm HOME?!
How did this even happen?
To be honest, I'm not sure. It has certainly been a crazy last 24 hours, of many mixed emotions.
What I do know is that I woke up several days ago with the idea that maybe taking time off this semester would do me more good than anything else I could do. After talking with my parents, therapist, friends, siblings, and so on, I decided to go ahead with my decision. So I officially withdrew from the college, packed up my room, gathered with friends and laughed over the crazy memories we've had this semester, gave hugs and tearful goodbyes, and eventually traveled the 9 hours home, where I am now.
For being an indecisive person, I'm quite impressed with myself for coming to terms with such a significant decision. But I also know that I haven't felt more at peace for a long time, and maybe that in itself is a sign that this will be good for me.
It's hard to verbalize the craziness of feelings inside of me, but I think I'll at least try to explain what I want this half-year to be like/why I am doing this.
1) I'm a kind of person that really loves to be 100% "into" whatever I'm doing. But I feel like I'm still at a point where I can't commit fully to my classes, because I'm still occupied with processing Micah's death. It doesn't seem right to be trying to learn things about the world when all I really need is to learn about myself and the things I've been experiencing this year.
2) It is extremely difficult to grieve at college. With such a busy schedule, little privacy, and so many people around, I've found that it's hard to process what I need to process. Being at home will give me time to just pay attention to my feelings without the distractions; and I'll have the alone time I need.
3) In retrospect, I can't deny that I rushed into college. At the time, I never considered not going, simply because it was the one planned thing in my life at that point, and it was the easiest thing to do. And I really am glad that I went first semester, because it taught me to share openly about Micah and live with everything. But now that I think about, I could just benefit from more time, and second semester would be a good time to do it.
4) To some extent, being at college hasn't allowed me to really "test" out the things I've been learning. I feel like I've almost become a completley different person from a year ago, and I want opportunities and experiences that will broaden that side of me, instead of constantly doing homework. Being at home will allow me to volunteer or do something that feels meaningful to my inner self.
5) Goshen is 9 hours away from Lancaster, and as the one year anniversary approaches, I can only imagine that I will be needing the extra-support from my family as I am reminded of memories of the accident. I also will be able to spend time with Micah's family, which makes me really happy because I love them so incredibly much and truly feel close to Micah around them.
6) On top of everything, I still feel very undecided about majors, and maybe even a little burnt-out from 12 years of continuous school. I hope that time off to journal, travel, babysit, read, write, or work on art projects will be renewing to both my motivation and my future.
So all-in-all, I'm expecting these months to be re-energizing so that I can return to Goshen in the Fall feeling ready to tackle whatever's next.
However, I'm sure they won't always be easy, and I am expecting to be quite bored at times. I also realize that I've left a lot of wonderful friends back in Indiana that mean the world to me, and have already helped me through a semester. But I also know that by doing this, it may be the only way I can be with them again in the future. (But I of course will miss them all and love them so much!)
So that's it for now; hopefully I can share my thoughts throughout these months on this blog. Thanks to everyone for your support; hugs to Goshen people; and a hello to Lancaster people!
WAIT...what?
I'm HOME?!
How did this even happen?
To be honest, I'm not sure. It has certainly been a crazy last 24 hours, of many mixed emotions.
What I do know is that I woke up several days ago with the idea that maybe taking time off this semester would do me more good than anything else I could do. After talking with my parents, therapist, friends, siblings, and so on, I decided to go ahead with my decision. So I officially withdrew from the college, packed up my room, gathered with friends and laughed over the crazy memories we've had this semester, gave hugs and tearful goodbyes, and eventually traveled the 9 hours home, where I am now.
For being an indecisive person, I'm quite impressed with myself for coming to terms with such a significant decision. But I also know that I haven't felt more at peace for a long time, and maybe that in itself is a sign that this will be good for me.
It's hard to verbalize the craziness of feelings inside of me, but I think I'll at least try to explain what I want this half-year to be like/why I am doing this.
1) I'm a kind of person that really loves to be 100% "into" whatever I'm doing. But I feel like I'm still at a point where I can't commit fully to my classes, because I'm still occupied with processing Micah's death. It doesn't seem right to be trying to learn things about the world when all I really need is to learn about myself and the things I've been experiencing this year.
2) It is extremely difficult to grieve at college. With such a busy schedule, little privacy, and so many people around, I've found that it's hard to process what I need to process. Being at home will give me time to just pay attention to my feelings without the distractions; and I'll have the alone time I need.
3) In retrospect, I can't deny that I rushed into college. At the time, I never considered not going, simply because it was the one planned thing in my life at that point, and it was the easiest thing to do. And I really am glad that I went first semester, because it taught me to share openly about Micah and live with everything. But now that I think about, I could just benefit from more time, and second semester would be a good time to do it.
4) To some extent, being at college hasn't allowed me to really "test" out the things I've been learning. I feel like I've almost become a completley different person from a year ago, and I want opportunities and experiences that will broaden that side of me, instead of constantly doing homework. Being at home will allow me to volunteer or do something that feels meaningful to my inner self.
5) Goshen is 9 hours away from Lancaster, and as the one year anniversary approaches, I can only imagine that I will be needing the extra-support from my family as I am reminded of memories of the accident. I also will be able to spend time with Micah's family, which makes me really happy because I love them so incredibly much and truly feel close to Micah around them.
6) On top of everything, I still feel very undecided about majors, and maybe even a little burnt-out from 12 years of continuous school. I hope that time off to journal, travel, babysit, read, write, or work on art projects will be renewing to both my motivation and my future.
So all-in-all, I'm expecting these months to be re-energizing so that I can return to Goshen in the Fall feeling ready to tackle whatever's next.
However, I'm sure they won't always be easy, and I am expecting to be quite bored at times. I also realize that I've left a lot of wonderful friends back in Indiana that mean the world to me, and have already helped me through a semester. But I also know that by doing this, it may be the only way I can be with them again in the future. (But I of course will miss them all and love them so much!)
So that's it for now; hopefully I can share my thoughts throughout these months on this blog. Thanks to everyone for your support; hugs to Goshen people; and a hello to Lancaster people!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thoughts that come late in the night when sleep is unreachable:
There is a weird correlation between missing and remembering.
On the days I do not remember, I almost do not miss. I might feel a deep inner feeling of emptiness, but it is so deep that it may feel natural, even normal.
But then there are the days where I remember.
I remember kind green eyes and a rambunctious laugh and a gentle spirit and a caring best friend. And then the remembering outlines the empty hole in my life, and there is nothing left to fill it but missing.
Must you always remember to miss?
What if one day I do not remember? What, then, will bring the cherished memories flooding back? And if I don't have memories, what will I have?
I want to live in a way that remembers you and then integrates you into my life. I want to carry you with me so I can never lose you again. I want you to be proud of me for living for you, but also for myself.
"I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me, to see the beauty of the world in my own eyes..."
On the days I do not remember, I almost do not miss. I might feel a deep inner feeling of emptiness, but it is so deep that it may feel natural, even normal.
But then there are the days where I remember.
I remember kind green eyes and a rambunctious laugh and a gentle spirit and a caring best friend. And then the remembering outlines the empty hole in my life, and there is nothing left to fill it but missing.
Must you always remember to miss?
What if one day I do not remember? What, then, will bring the cherished memories flooding back? And if I don't have memories, what will I have?
I want to live in a way that remembers you and then integrates you into my life. I want to carry you with me so I can never lose you again. I want you to be proud of me for living for you, but also for myself.
"I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me, to see the beauty of the world in my own eyes..."
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