Sympathy cards don't know anything.
They don't know
That he could wiggle his ears.
That he had a mole on the back of his neck.
That his voice was slightly husky, and for some reason he didn't like the sound of it recorded on tape.
That his toes were scrunched together from years of running around in soccer cleats.
That he had a tiny scar on his upper lip, and a mole near his chin.
That he bit his nails so they were always short.
That when he yawned he would literally say the word "yawn" as he stretched.
That he would sing to himself on the phone and not realize it.
That when he held my hand he couldn't be still, so his fingers would wiggle around excessively.
That he hated loose change, so he would always give me his extra coins to keep.
That when he didn't shave his face, he would tickle me with his stubble like "his dad used to do."
That when he got mad, really mad, he would become very quiet.
That he was trying to teach himself piano and guitar.
That when he touched his pimples I would yell at him because it would "make it worse," and he'd tell me I reminded him of his mother.
That he loved thunderstorms at night.
That he told me he couldn't sleep with socks on.
That he liked to make beats and rhythms on anything available: desks, his legs--my stomach.
That he was ticklish on the back of his leg, but that was really about it.
That every morning he'd greet me with a hug, but if he forgot, he'd promise he'd make it up with an extra big one the next day.
...No, I know they have good intent, but sympathy cards don't know anything.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Senior week.
GRRRRR! Right now its 3:03 in the morning, and I'm in an angry mood. I'm so angry that Micah is dead. I'm so angry my life is like this. I'm so angry that this is still happening---can't it be over already? Can't he just come back now? It's been long enough without him and I don't have patience right now to "wait for everything to get better." I want Micah back and I'm just ANGRY. Grrr.
I think I'm losing my tolerance for watching other couples. Up until this point I've told myself I'm okay about it, but I think I'm just plain lying to myself. Especially here at the beach for senior week, young couples seem to pop out at me like never before. Strolling on the beach, holding hands, sitting in cute restaurants and laughing, staring romantically into eachother's eyes...smiles on their faces like they've never experienced any difficulties before. I find myself getting so angry that they have it so good. And not even that, but they don't know they have it so good. Can't you see that one of you could be dead? Can't you see that you're taking for granted the simplest, most everyday things that I yearn for so much now? If you knew it'd be the last time he held your hand, would you hold it a little tighter? If you knew his last "goodnight" would last for the rest of your lifetime, would you cherish it more, appreciate every second?
Why is the worst most possible thing that could happen to a couple happening to me? Why us, of all people? We were so innocent and still so young--but we had so much of a future. We were so in love, even though that cheesy statement doesn't seem to cover it. If it was so unbelievably good, so perfect for both of us, why did it have to change so quickly into such a nightmare?
How could both of our futures be so drastically changed in a matter of several seconds? That is the question I ask that makes me want to scream and bang my fists against the floor like a little girl tantrum, because it's not fair.
It is 3:55. I need to sleep. I'm still angry, but maybe sleep will bring a new perspective, at least for now.
I think I'm losing my tolerance for watching other couples. Up until this point I've told myself I'm okay about it, but I think I'm just plain lying to myself. Especially here at the beach for senior week, young couples seem to pop out at me like never before. Strolling on the beach, holding hands, sitting in cute restaurants and laughing, staring romantically into eachother's eyes...smiles on their faces like they've never experienced any difficulties before. I find myself getting so angry that they have it so good. And not even that, but they don't know they have it so good. Can't you see that one of you could be dead? Can't you see that you're taking for granted the simplest, most everyday things that I yearn for so much now? If you knew it'd be the last time he held your hand, would you hold it a little tighter? If you knew his last "goodnight" would last for the rest of your lifetime, would you cherish it more, appreciate every second?
Why is the worst most possible thing that could happen to a couple happening to me? Why us, of all people? We were so innocent and still so young--but we had so much of a future. We were so in love, even though that cheesy statement doesn't seem to cover it. If it was so unbelievably good, so perfect for both of us, why did it have to change so quickly into such a nightmare?
How could both of our futures be so drastically changed in a matter of several seconds? That is the question I ask that makes me want to scream and bang my fists against the floor like a little girl tantrum, because it's not fair.
It is 3:55. I need to sleep. I'm still angry, but maybe sleep will bring a new perspective, at least for now.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Home again.
Phew. Home from Chicago. It was fun, but it was exhausting. It made me realize that driving 10+ hours to Illinois and surrounding myself with complete strangers does not make the grief go away. Its like I'm carrying my own U-Haul of grief behind me, wherever I go...I can't escape it--even if I wanted to! Also, it was weird to realize that somehow the world is still moving on---and mostly everyone does not even know who Micah is, let alone that he died. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at strangers for not knowing, but I guess that's not fair to them. Think of how many people die daily, and I don't stop my life for them. But still...in my opinion, the whole WORLD should be stopped and EVERYONE should be crying.
The one thing about the long drive was that I got to think--a lot. I taped Micah's senior picture to my window, so I just sat there and looked at him. It made a lot of memories resurface, which is always good. Here's some things I remembered. I made a list.
10 Random Facts About Micah.
1. Micah's favorite color was brown, he once told me. (But maybe he was just saying that because I have brown eyes and he was trying to win me over...)
2. Micah's ideal outfit to wear was a t-shirt (preferably gray), loose jeans, and sandals. Always the sandals. Yes, even in the middle of winter. This is why I am not in the least bit surprised that Micah was wearing sandals during the accident.
3. Micah's ideal outfit for a girl to wear was, ironically, the ideal outfit for him to wear: jeans, a t-shirt, and sandals. One time we told each other our "ideal outfits for the opposite sex," and the next day we both wore them to school, for each other. I forget what mine was, except that I told him to spike his hair. Sure enough, the next day Micah walked into school with gelled hair. What a cutie.
4. Micah liked to over-analyze. We always said that I was the indecisive one, while he was the over-analyzer. I guess he just liked to think through things in his head. Lucky for me, he was very decisive. Still, I think it was a stretch for him to date me, because I really didn't care what we did on dates, whereas Micah liked to know things ahead of time. He would always say, "BECCA! BE DECISIVE!"Haha, he always had patience for me.
5. Micah loved to eat. I mean, who doesn't, but Micah really truly loved to eat. He would always complain that he was going to get fat the second his metabolism slowed down. The great thing was that he wasn't a picky eater--he'd eat anything. Also, he was very adventurous. Whenever we went out to eat, he would simply ask the server what they thought was good, and get what they told him! I was always so baffled...I was just content with my guaranteed hamburger and fries. Just one example of how he lived up life, always up for a risk.
6. Micah loved his clothes. He loved to be fashionable. It was never an overly in-your-face-fashion; it was just his own "cool" style. He loved anything that was laid back, or anything that was original. He liked bright colors. And he loved hoodies. And shoes. And sunglasses. And jeans with holes. We always had a blast going Goodwill-ing together. I'm going to miss looking for clothes for him, as I usually did when I was out anywhere. Even giving him a cheap shirt made him so happy, so I always looked for clothes that screamed "Micah."
7. Micah hated being bored. He loved adventure. He was spontaneous, and that's why it was so fun to be his girlfriend. He would just call me and we'd go do something random, like wearing ridiculous hats to McDonald's, or hanging out at Prince Street. We both were so grateful that we only lived 10 minutes away from each other (8 mintues Micah boasted, if he sped.) Our relationship would have been so different if we wouldn't have been able to the tiny, but fun things like that. I miss my best friend.
8. Micah loved to surprise me. There were cards left on my front door...fish in the tub...a hamster in my room...12 roses on Valentine's day...notes under my pillow...a scavenger hunt for banquet. He would always surprise me after work by showing up at my house. Usually he'd call me and make it sound like he was home; but then he'd randomly go, "Look outside!" And then I'd run to the window, and he'd be outside leaning against his car, with his phone in his hand, and I'd laugh and run out to meet him.
9. Micah loved life. Sometimes when I'd ask him how his day was, he'd say, "I love life!"
10. Micah was a real person. I know that's such a stupid and obvious statement, but sometimes its nice to remember that, and I say it to myself. He woke up in the morning like anyone else, he brushed his teeth; he had his ups and downs; he had his bad moods. He had thoughts running through his head; he had dreams at night, he had preferences of people he'd rather not hang out with, he wondered what the future would be like.
When it comes down to it, I miss this Micah, the real person of him, the part that was human. As his girlfriend, it was my job to understand him and be there for him...we talked everyday, we were there for eachother, and we knew eachother like the backs of our own hands. That's why its hard sometimes to hear other peoples interpretations of him, people that didn't know him as well and don't know what to say. Its hard to hear distant people talk about him, when I knew Micah at the deepest level of knowing someone. He wasn't just a senior that died and had "no regrets" as his motto--he was just Micah; how do I describe that to others?
Sigh...it's just hard. Life is hard. Nothing else I can say except those words.
Well, there's some ramblings from my head today.
The one thing about the long drive was that I got to think--a lot. I taped Micah's senior picture to my window, so I just sat there and looked at him. It made a lot of memories resurface, which is always good. Here's some things I remembered. I made a list.
10 Random Facts About Micah.
1. Micah's favorite color was brown, he once told me. (But maybe he was just saying that because I have brown eyes and he was trying to win me over...)
2. Micah's ideal outfit to wear was a t-shirt (preferably gray), loose jeans, and sandals. Always the sandals. Yes, even in the middle of winter. This is why I am not in the least bit surprised that Micah was wearing sandals during the accident.
3. Micah's ideal outfit for a girl to wear was, ironically, the ideal outfit for him to wear: jeans, a t-shirt, and sandals. One time we told each other our "ideal outfits for the opposite sex," and the next day we both wore them to school, for each other. I forget what mine was, except that I told him to spike his hair. Sure enough, the next day Micah walked into school with gelled hair. What a cutie.
4. Micah liked to over-analyze. We always said that I was the indecisive one, while he was the over-analyzer. I guess he just liked to think through things in his head. Lucky for me, he was very decisive. Still, I think it was a stretch for him to date me, because I really didn't care what we did on dates, whereas Micah liked to know things ahead of time. He would always say, "BECCA! BE DECISIVE!"Haha, he always had patience for me.
5. Micah loved to eat. I mean, who doesn't, but Micah really truly loved to eat. He would always complain that he was going to get fat the second his metabolism slowed down. The great thing was that he wasn't a picky eater--he'd eat anything. Also, he was very adventurous. Whenever we went out to eat, he would simply ask the server what they thought was good, and get what they told him! I was always so baffled...I was just content with my guaranteed hamburger and fries. Just one example of how he lived up life, always up for a risk.
6. Micah loved his clothes. He loved to be fashionable. It was never an overly in-your-face-fashion; it was just his own "cool" style. He loved anything that was laid back, or anything that was original. He liked bright colors. And he loved hoodies. And shoes. And sunglasses. And jeans with holes. We always had a blast going Goodwill-ing together. I'm going to miss looking for clothes for him, as I usually did when I was out anywhere. Even giving him a cheap shirt made him so happy, so I always looked for clothes that screamed "Micah."
7. Micah hated being bored. He loved adventure. He was spontaneous, and that's why it was so fun to be his girlfriend. He would just call me and we'd go do something random, like wearing ridiculous hats to McDonald's, or hanging out at Prince Street. We both were so grateful that we only lived 10 minutes away from each other (8 mintues Micah boasted, if he sped.) Our relationship would have been so different if we wouldn't have been able to the tiny, but fun things like that. I miss my best friend.
8. Micah loved to surprise me. There were cards left on my front door...fish in the tub...a hamster in my room...12 roses on Valentine's day...notes under my pillow...a scavenger hunt for banquet. He would always surprise me after work by showing up at my house. Usually he'd call me and make it sound like he was home; but then he'd randomly go, "Look outside!" And then I'd run to the window, and he'd be outside leaning against his car, with his phone in his hand, and I'd laugh and run out to meet him.
9. Micah loved life. Sometimes when I'd ask him how his day was, he'd say, "I love life!"
10. Micah was a real person. I know that's such a stupid and obvious statement, but sometimes its nice to remember that, and I say it to myself. He woke up in the morning like anyone else, he brushed his teeth; he had his ups and downs; he had his bad moods. He had thoughts running through his head; he had dreams at night, he had preferences of people he'd rather not hang out with, he wondered what the future would be like.
When it comes down to it, I miss this Micah, the real person of him, the part that was human. As his girlfriend, it was my job to understand him and be there for him...we talked everyday, we were there for eachother, and we knew eachother like the backs of our own hands. That's why its hard sometimes to hear other peoples interpretations of him, people that didn't know him as well and don't know what to say. Its hard to hear distant people talk about him, when I knew Micah at the deepest level of knowing someone. He wasn't just a senior that died and had "no regrets" as his motto--he was just Micah; how do I describe that to others?
Sigh...it's just hard. Life is hard. Nothing else I can say except those words.
Well, there's some ramblings from my head today.
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