Valentine's Day.

I tried really, really hard to be grateful today, instead of falling into a depressive slump of loneliness, self-pity, and chocolate-eating. The second option would have been so much easier, considering that the whole world practically seemed to be screaming, "If you don't have a significant other today, you're an insignificant loser..."

However, I somehow made it through the day quite well. I spent the morning teaching my Sunday school class, and the earnest faces of the kids brightened my mood almost instantly. Later in the afternoon I invited my younger cousins over for a Valentine's Day tea party. I slipped on my Banquet dress and decorated the kitchen with colorful paper hearts; and when everyone arrived we ate little treats together and pretended to be "proper."

In the evening I spoiled myself with a chocolate-chip pancake supper, then went upstairs and paged through letters and cards that Micah has given me over the years. It's always comforting to see his handwriting on paper again and reread his thoughtful, loving words. I even found the dozen roses he gave me junior year, which I dried and kept. He was such a romantic boyfriend...always something up his sleeve to bring me happiness. Last year he got me a hamster--what in the world would he have done this year, I wonder?!

I really don't like to feel lonely because I know Micah would hate me for doing so, but sometimes it still seeps out. Because Micah was basically a best friend, more than anything I miss having someone that understands me completley; someone that is solely mine. And that's where the loneliness comes in. I miss him, but I also miss what we were together, and the support system we created for each other. To not have Micah there, and so suddenly, was like having a safe, warm carpet ripped out from under my feet.

People have asked before what I consider my "relationship status" to be. Single? In a relationship? What exactly do you call it? The only way I can describe it is a weird state between widow and girlfriend--widowed girlfriend? Micah and I weren't serious enough for marriage at the time, obviously, but we sure were quite serious at the time, for where and who we were, which twists my mind because what if we had had several more years, beyond college? We had talked already about trying to stick it through college, after all, so what would have happened? There's no way to ever know, though after experiencing his death now, of course I would have been so happy to spend years and years and years with him! This question just adds one more giant unknown into the mix, bringing more "what-if's" that spin my head in circles.

I guess the only thing that matters is that Micah died being my boyfriend, and I his girlfriend, and something about that will always bring me a sense of happiness. I like to know that at that point in time, the core of "us" was at it's peak of love and excitement, strong as ever--and even death can't argue with that. I also have no doubt I will always carry that role of girlfriend with me. It never has and never will be a burden. I say it with a smile, to have been known and loved by Micah.

On that note, Happy Valentine's Day, boyfriend.