Writing to grieve.

"The meaning of the the word memory for me is enriched when I see that its tangled Indo-European roots run through the Latin memor (mindful); the Greek martus (witness), which became martyr; as well as the Germanic and Old English murnam (to grive). We write to bring things in mind, to witness, and eventually, to grive."
                                   -Julia Kasdorf, Writing Like a Mennonite

I discovered Julia Kasdorf's Writing Like a Mennonite last semester in a Women's Studies class, but it resurfaced again recently because I'm taking a Mennonite Literature class this semester. Julia is a Goshen grad and has gone on to write incredible poetry and nationally-recognized books.

I grieve in writing, and I always have, even since elementary school when I would journal my little dramas of the day. When Micah and I started dating, I wrote about him and the many stories we formed. I even have little stories involving him and other friends from middle school.

The night of the accident I sat in my bed and journaled that I wanted an adventure in my life and that I wanted to feel 100% alive. Ironically, the next time I opened my journal was two days later in the hospital, scribbling that Micah had been in an accident, and begging God to keep him alive. The next day he died--an adventure? Yes. Did I feel 100% alive? Yes. But in a way I wanted, through death? No. My journal entry that day is only several words, but the pain they hold seeps from the pages.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to publicly write as much as I wished this year---it's been a crazy semester full of many involvements. But I am grateful for the writing I've been able to do these past two years. I am grateful for the many people that have felt benefited from my words, those who have experienced loss and the cases of other girlfriends who have lost their boyfriends and discovered these chronicled two years. What is the future of this blog? Maybe one day it will be more officially published, who knows. But as of now I still appreciate being able to write, grieve, and bear witness. Again, thank you deeply to my family, friends, and readers of this blog. Just by listening you have helped me greatly.