Bittersweet.

Everything is bittersweet.
I've stepped back into this crazy world
Where memories of you are accompanied by an absence of you--
And I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

This evening we gathered around your grave and sang,
And then watched as 19 balloons lifted into the sky,
Spinning away until they were just tiny dots on the horizon.

Later we gathered in your living room and
Laughed as your baby videos flickered on the TV screen.
I can't help but think of what a joy you must have been
To your parents 19 years ago, their first baby boy
Bundled up in a hospital blanket and blinking at the new world
Around him.

When the movies ended we sat in a biting silence
That filled the room, each of us knowing that we
Were thinking how wonderful it would be to see you
Alive and laughing, just one more time, like in those clips.
And how shockingly-wrong it was to celebrate your life
But not have you there.

Last night on the long drive home
I saw a shooting star fall across the sky
And I couldn't help but remember the star we both witnessed
Falling over the ocean as we flew to Germany.

My memories of you, of us together, have filled me with gratitude
And I am so blessed by your life. I want to bottle that star and
Save it for later, just to remind myself of the beauty
You've shown me and the twinkling hope you'd want me to have,
Even amongst the dark sadness.