Baby.

One of those days in the hospital (I don't remember which), I was sitting in the waiting room near Micah's room when a woman came in with a baby. She ended up putting it in my arms to hold for several minutes. The baby lay face up in my lap, looking at me with big eyes and staring up at my face, fixated and intrigued. I stared back and hugged it close, smiling through my tears; wondering how a new life could still be growing up, while Micah was slowly losing his, only yards away.

This memory popped into my head today as I walked past a group of children playing. It reminded me of how Micah always told me I'd make a great mom some day.

I hope that baby has grown up well over these past 5 months. I wonder if it'll ever know that it brought me even the slightest bit of joy during a miserable and painful time.

I am doing things here at college to make Micah happy. I joined an intramural soccer team, which he would love. I am going to maybe join a gospel choir. I went swing dancing in the rain. I salsa danced with friends late into midnight. I stargazed on a blanket until the sprinklers came on and we ran away. I made cookies and delivered them to people. I am going to quilt with cute old ladies, and learn how to knit. I am writing for the newspaper. I am greeting people in Micah-like ways, wearing outfits Micah would like, eating food Micah would eat, telling jokes Micah would tell, getting involved like Micah would do, saying phrases Micah would say...sometimes I even catch myself writing in Micah-like handwriting.

Micah can't be at college, but I will be at college for him. I can feel him here cheering me on and telling me to live fully. I can feel the warmth of his hugs and hear the sound of his voice. I can imagine the sun lighting up his green eyes and him throwing back his head as he laughs.

All these things carry me on from one day to the next. My goal for this year is to live for Micah and love for Micah, because that is how he remains a part of me, strong in my heart.