Well, here I am. After years and years of wondering what college will be like, here I sit in the dark of my dorm, feeling somewhat tiny and lost, realizing I could never even imagine I would be here amidst such a situation.
Where did summer go? What happened to flowers and bare feet and warmth? What happened to those long days of misery, but at least misery accompanied by friends, family, and sunshine?
How will I survive as the seasons change? It used to just get warmer and warmer as each anniversary went by, but now the leaves are changing and the air is getting crisp. Will I too freeze into a rock of a Becca-that-used-to-be? Will I ever be able to feel normal enough to laugh freely like the rest of the students here? Will I survive the ugly cold to come? How long can I stay in a place where no one knows the warmth of my beautiful, lovable Micah?
I want everyone to know him, but know him just because its Micah. Not because he died. I just want him to be my boyfriend. And like the other girls here who have boyfriends far away, I want him to call me every night and send me letters and skype me and tell me about his soccer game and newly-found friends...
I want to see his dorm room and his sloppily-made bed and his handwriting on (probably procrastinated) essays. I want to talk to him and complain about homework together and tell him I had a bad day so he can make it better.
I'm tired of being the girl who has to explain to innocent bystanders that, yes, that is my boyfriend and I love him so incredibly much, but no, its a long story because this April he...he...well, he died in a car accident...and...(tries to suppress tears as the person's mouth drops open and attempts to find words of sympathy.)
It's so so so so unfair.
5 months coming up. I don't know what I'm going to do.
My boyfriend is dead and 9 hours away. What if he needs my comfort? What if he needs me but I'm so far away? Who will sit with him and pretend to hold his hand? Even the seasons will change by his side, but I cannot be there to watch them.
I'm being brave and having fun, because Micah would have wanted that for me, but when it comes down to it I'm still so heartbroken and devastated and wish this were all a dream.
Friday, September 4, 2009
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I sit on the deck listening to the sounds of summer ending.
ReplyDeleteHow God, how can my daughter endure this pain, this searing pain?
She's right. Seasons will change but her pain will stay on. Oh, God, hold her when I can't. Have mercy on her and bring some comfort. Have mercy. Have mercy. Have mercy.
Becca my dear dear daughter,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your sadness and many moments of hollowness. For needing to tell your grief and reliving it with those you are coming to know. For the wrenching away of the fun and vitality and energy that you shared with Micah. For having to be strong, when you want to be nurtured and tended. This journey has been unfair, wretched, unwanted, depleting, seemingly endless.
I send my love for the Becca I know and love, for the unconquerable strength present in the midst of weakness, for the energy to summon strength for another day, for the privilege of remembered love, and for the peace of restful sleep.
You are known and loved. You are in a shower of our love and concern continually.