3/4/10.

If you would have told me last year that I would be spending my day, one year later, designing Micah's gravestone, I wouldn't have believed you.

Yet it's unfathomable how life can alter in a year. I spent several hours today slouched over a giant piece of paper, working on the lettering and design to be etched into Micah's large sandstone rock.

It's a surreal experience to have to do this for someone you love dearly, and I certainly could never have imagined I'd be doing it for Micah. Somehow seeing "1990-2009" written in my own handwriting brought an ache to my heart like nothing else. That's only 18 years. It should have been so many more than that.

Around this time last year, I took a Drawing class that required daily sketches. Micah would help me sometimes on my assignments, coloring in different parts or giving advice. He always claimed he wasn't artistic in the least bit, so he was impressed even with my mediocre art skills. I smile to myself remembering this, because he probably would have stood back, aghast and impressed, if he could see what I ended up doing for his gravestone, as simple as it is. Josef and I laughed together today, remembering that Micah was never a detail person--he was all about the big picture.

All in all, however, I'm grateful to be contributing to the design, and it does mean a lot to me. It's things like this that I can't even imagine being in Goshen during--staying home is worth it even in this sense.

This world still seems dream-like and I still awaken by the second in shock. Micah died?--no. He is gone for the rest of my life?--no. Come Monday will be the last "anniversary" before the actual one-year marking. Where did time go? When will this "new normal" actually feel normal? When will we be able to feel full again? How will I pull through this already dark and bleak March?

I'm glad this week is almost over. It's been one of the more difficult ones in awhile...I look forward to sunshine.